I flipped the dial on my radio station to a speaker talking about the problem of anxiety and worry.
How worry undermines your testimony.
How anxiety ultimately reflects a heart which does not believe it has someone who will be there when their world falls apart.
The Christmas season heightens my heart’s greatest dysfunctions–a soupy mix of worry, fretfulness, anxiety and ultimately, disbelief.
I admit it.
Worry is a symptom of the pieces of my heart which have yet to be sculpted–and surrendered–into faithful, believing reflections of God. I am ashamed I have so many of those pieces. Perhaps I can take comfort in knowing my love for Jesus must be holding the pieces together.
Because I do love Him.
So, so much.
And yet, I know my disbelief grieves the Spirit. Grieves the One whose Word bathes me in the assurance that He is with me. He will always be there. He has always been there.
And so, on this Multitude Monday, I ponder my multitude of broken, anxious pieces. In doing so, I find as ashamed as I am of them, I am just as grateful for them. Grateful for the #45 gift of brokenness.
Because brokenness makes me seek Him.
In my broken courage, I fear.
I find the #46 gift of strength in God’s unfailing love which guides and redeems me. (Exodus 15:13) The same unfailing love which guided the Magi away from their riches to a stable, forlorn and in a foreign land.
In my broken satiety, I covet.
I find the #47 gift of fullness in Christ’s power within me. (Colossians 2:10). The same power which flung itself from a throne in the heavens and into a manger, damp and scratchy with straw.
In my broken heart, I am bitter.
I find the #48 gift of forgiveness when I fall in reverence at His feet. (Psalm 130:4) The same reverence which buckled the knees of shepherds . . . nameless, insignificant shepherds . . . chosen to be the first to hear the good news of a savior’s birth.
In my broken patience, I am harsh.
I find the #49 gift of gentleness when I realize just how near Christ is to me. (Philippians 4:5) The same nearness of the breath of a newborn baby on the face of a teenage girl named Mary . . . a tiny breath painting a starlit sky with the mist of its salvation.
In my broken trust, I am insecure.
I find the #50 gift of being held when I relinquish control to the One who never tires of or ceases reaching toward me. (Romans 10:21) The same embrace of the One who held the world like it’s never been held, God’s arms clothed in the navy velvet robes of the night of Jesus’ birth.
In my broken faith, I deny.
I find the #51 gift of belief in the One who helps me overcome my unbelief. (Mark 9:23-25) The same One I see in the twinkle of my children’s eyes in December . . . children with hearts unbroken and spirits bent toward the promise and the gift of Him . . . marked by a 24 on a human calendar . . . designed for eternity on the calendar of the divine.
“Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” I Chronicles 16:11
What gifts lie before you today?