Barricade the road that goes Nowhere
The winter is long and dreary, here in a place where winters are supposed to be just that.
But this winter . . .
. . . this one is different.
In the midst of this winter, I am weary.
Not just any weary, but the weariness and heaviness of a soul trapped and afraid.
As a Christian, it is the sort of weariness I’ve struggled with for two decades, crying out to God, clinging to His leather-covered Word, feeling the stinging, false accusation of “not having enough faith to handle it” creep through my arms and into my chest as once again I wander the desert known to many of us as depression.
Anxiety.
Panic attacks.
Why do I dare blog about such things?
Why lay it all out there for everyone to see?
Because I know, after blogging about it numerous times already, untold numbers of others struggle with the craze and walking-alone-in-the-pitch-black uncertainty of that pesky little neurochemical called seratonin (or lack thereof).
If your soul is weary today . . . if your heart cries out to Him and you feel on the edge . . . know you are not alone.
Know it is appropriate and necessary and even of the utmost importance to seek help if you cannot climb out of the pit yourself.
Feeling like I was nearing a crisis point a few weeks ago, I did just that. And with the help of friends who are also on this journey and my doctor, I am starting to see the light of day again. (Many online resources are listed in the bottom right corner of this blog page.)
I am starting to lose the fear of leaving my home–literally and figuratively.
I built not one, but three snowmen with my sons yesterday, a task which on other days might seem insurmountable. But yesterday and today, the task morphed into a blessing.
And I am grateful.
So.
Very.
Grateful.
For a husband who loves me.
For friends who care.
For modern medicine.
For God, who knows the depths of our weary souls and helps us find the way to our families, our selves, and Him again. If you doubt God knows how rotten we feel, read the scripture I found below, and know that God knows.
Praise God, He knows!
”I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life’s dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; God, don’t let me down!
I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how.”
~Psalm 119:25-31, TMV
***This post is also part of the One Word at a Time blog carnival on renewal this week.***
Posted on February 7, 2011, in anxiety, brokenness, God, grace, healing, more PMDs, Multitude Monday, One Word at a Time Carnival, PMDs and tagged anxiety, christianity, depression, panic attacks, SAD, snowmen. Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.
I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how
I have been praying that prayer over and over for what seems like forever. I believe I am what is known as “a work in progress”!
Thank you for writing this…I truly did need to read this today.
Jill–yeah, that scripture killed me (in a good way), and especially when I flipped it to the Message version. Sometimes we need a billboard, yes? And a work in progress . . . aren’t we all . . . xoxoxoxo
Billboard, flagger, blinking lights…any and all would help!
Battleing with it, as well. Even though our head knows there are others that must feel this way, unless we mention it , our heart doesn’t know.
Thank you so much for this post, Amy!
Cindy–I’m so sorry you’re struggling with it, too. Thanks for your courage in posting about it here, too. And may God breathe His Spirit of renewal into your sweet soul. Amen.
Amy,
Thanks for having the courage to write about your weariness. My current project is a book on brokenness and recovery. I hope you will stop by my site and leave a few words of encouragement, which this time of year is quite needed. I can’t help but think there is a story of endurance somewhere in you-hang in there, spring is coming.
Thanks so much, Kevin. And praise God, He brings the springs!
Amy, I all too well know the creeping you speak of here. I am very familiar with the visits – and I am too in the midst of a season as well. I am seeking counseling, and thankfully God has brought me a ray of sunshine into my life through a woman who I sincerely didn’t expect to be such a ray of sunshine in it. God knew I needed a prayer warrior and someone deeply passionate about, and for, Him – and prayer was answered. Until I am able to get my first appt. set up (I am on a waiting list) to the Christian Counseling center I am going to to – I am ever so thankful to God for the support network He is placing in my life.
And I am so very proud of you, and thankful for you, in confessing and sharing with all of us. There is healing for you in sharing, and healing for many of us out there with you who are with you (arms linked together) as we continual on this beautiful journey of life – and it is beautiful, and we always need to be reminded of that.
I will say a prayer for you tonight, before bed, than your healing continues. God Bless you, Amy.
Thank you so, so much, Marni. Your words are always so encouraging and so grateful for your courage in sharing some of your story here, too. God is good to redeem the years the locust eat . . . He is. Sometimes, it just takes others leading us by the hands to see that revelation. Prayed for you tonight, too, friend.
This is one of those times I want to say “What, you too?”
“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.” Psalm 73:23
Praise God, He knows! Indeed! Wonderful post! Thank you! Stay blessed!
I love that you share.
I always struggle with “getting help”. I will ponder it for hours and hours and hours, and debate it in my mind. Most likely in gut wrentching tears, most likely in the dead of night, at the loneliest possible moments. God made me this way.
I won’t get help because of it. But I wish I would.
This scripture from the Psalms rushed across my mind as I read your post:
David had periods of weariness and the sad melancholy of depression, and there was no one to encourage him. He asked himself why, then he also answered himself. Psalms 43:5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
Your selection from Psalms 119 is beautiful in that translation; when David pours out his frustration and then again gives his own answer with a Declaration of what he will do is to follow as God leads to a road of Somewhere. It is good to use scripture and make our personal declarations of praise and commitment to His instruction.
Amy, your blog showed up as “new” today in the The High Calling feeds…you’ve changed your template since I visited (I love it!) so maybe that’s why? But I know you’ve been active in THC for some time. Maybe it was because I needed to read this post! I, too, suffer from depression periodically and it was refreshing to hear you talk about it. The Message translation is one of my favorites, as well…and Greg at WSL is looking at a book proposal of mine. We’re “soul” sisters in many ways, I think. Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. And “welcome” to the network…again.
Thank you, Dena, and thanks for sharing some of your story here! I did tweak something (not sure exactly what, maybe the RSS?) at THC, so maybe it is showing up again. I don’t think it was for awhile, and Ann Kroeker helped me with it. Writing mercies and blessings to you!
What an encouraging blog post. We all struggle with this and you have spoken right into our hearts.
Thank you, David!
Bless you for opening your heart wide and saying what so many feel they can’t. There is strength in coming out of the dark–there is grace to be given and received if only we aren’t afraid to talk about it! Came over here through the High Calling by Dena’s suggestion. Thanks for talking about the hard stuff.
It’s hard talking about the hard stuff, so I really appreciate your visit and reply. Blessings, Laura!
I love that you are thankful for your spouse, your friends, God, and medicine. There is something beautifully practical about that combination of gratitude.
Amy – you have said it! We can fall, we can be in the depths, at the end of a tether we never knew was so frayed. I’ve been there. Sometimes all I could say was ‘Jesus’.
And yet, he is faithful. He teaches us how to depend on Him, not for the day but for the moment. I thank God for all the things He gives us to help us through – friends, Doctors. But mostly, I know, I would never know Him like I do if I hadn’t been there.
Bless you beautiful lady. His love keep you warm today.
Claire xx