Recently, someone I don’t know very well said their prayer for me “is to move from hurting to healing.” At first I thought it was kind, and I believe they meant it as such.
The more the comment rolled around in my head, however, the more it annoyed me. It made me realize a lot of my extended family and their friends think, because I publicly write and talk about my pain, I must still be in pain.
On the contrary, talking and writing publicly about the pain is a great sign that healing has taken place. I know this to be true from my therapist, the stacks of books I read and re-read on the subject, and from the assurance I have in my heart from my God. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying everyone who has been through abuse will be called to talk about it or blog about it. I just know, for me, this is what God has called me to do; and, if He hadn’t healed me to the extent He has, I would never be able to do what I do.
I don’t deny that great parts of my past still hurt. Indeed, some parts of my life still carry a limp.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve not moved from hurting to healing.
The essence of my frustration is this: Most folks don’t know what to do when someone is hurting, or has been hurt. It stirs up that funny feeling in the deepest parts of the gut, the same feeling that comes when you’re next in line to hug the widow at the funeral home. Instead of allowing someone to feel pain–a pain that may in fact linger for the rest of their life–most folks wish the poor, hurting person would just get over it. Be done with it, already. Move on. Quit talking about all that messy stuff.
Their discomfort with someone living their pain out loud causes them to thrust a box of tissue at the person, literally or figuratively. And with that box of tissue comes their notion of what healing is:
Resolution and silence.
They can’t help it, I suppose. They just don’t realize encouraging resolution and silence only hurts a hurting person more.
I believe God calls us to share our pain. To cast the light of honesty and truth into the deepest, darkest corners of our hearts. And to encourage others to do the same. It’s the only way cycles of injustice can be shattered.
Paul knew about this. Theologians aren’t sure what pain Paul begged God to take from him, but he suffered pain, to be sure. And in the end, Paul realized embracing the pain–not being rid of it–leads to freedom. Here’s the Message version of what Paul wrote, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:
“. . . I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees [LOVE THAT!!!]. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”
Bandages and tissues and silence can cover up the blood and gore and make people around us feel better about themselves. But it will not bring us healing. It will not bring them healing, either. Healing comes, as Paul writes, when we are content to be weak. When we are glad to let our pain happen. When we appreciate the gift of our handicaps. And when we aren’t afraid to let others see them.
Indeed, when other people see our wounds, they see the wounds of Christ that will lead them home.
I’m a thirty-something mama & wife trying--moment-by-moment--to follow hard after Jesus' scent. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and perinatal mood disorders, this site is my gift to you: a celebration of brokenness, hope, healing, life, art, and all the miraculous moments in between.
Visit my weekly newspaper column, Life With a Twist, in the Commentary section of the Zionsville Times-Sentinel: 
5 Comments
July 10, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Amy, LOVE, love, love this post. I agree on so many levels. I have been in situations where people want to clean me up and make me all “normal” again, rather than walking into the pain with me. I don’t blame them though. When you haven’t walked through the heart-piercing pain like some of us have, you simply don’t know what to do or how to act. Thank you for this blog.
Lynn
http://www.lynnhouse.wordpress.com
July 10, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Absolutely GREAT insights! First, I totally relate to the idea of allowing a comment to roll around in your mind MUCH longer after it was spoken. Second, people can be so ignorant to others… yet very sincere intentions. It truly makes you think about the words that come out of your own mouth. And, finally, 2 Corinthians 1: 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
July 10, 2009 at 11:24 pm
I couldn’t agree more, Amy.
2 Corinthians 12:9 is my life verse. The more hurt I uncover as I peel back layers, the more pain and weak I feel, yet that’s when God steps in to heal and restore…in the long run to make me more strong.
July 14, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I have recently experienced just what you are talking about. Thank you. Love that scripture verse too. God’s grace is enough.
July 16, 2009 at 2:57 am
I totally agree.
I know there have been times in my life, in my walk, where I felt so alone and so isolated because people WEREN’T sharing. Once I realized that I wasn’t alone in my struggles, God was able to transform my heart so much faster. It was like the enemy lost his hold on me. I had been paralyzed by fear, but with the transparency, grace and love from others I was embraced by the Lord.
Now I find myself in a time in my life where much of what I have learned has been through my suffering: Dad’s suicide when I was 15, my 13 year old daughter going home to Heaven after losing her fight to bone cancer, and now – daily migraines for the last 5 yrs.
Really, these experiences have shaped and defined who I am, a woman who still loves and trusts the Lord with all my heart. Because I speak of these things, does that mean I haven’t dealt with them? Not at all. God has carried me through these things, and continues to do so. He has allowed these things, that He may be glorified in my life as I continue to praise Him. He allows me to be an example to others – that we have so much to be thankful for, and yet so easily people complain about things that really aren’t that bad.
Obviously, you have reached and helped many. And where God leads, the enemy quickly follows. Even if the woman meant well, it still let in those doubts and wonders of what others “think”. When really, it doesn’t matter what others think of us… only what God does.
It’s my prayer that He smiles when He thinks of us.